Friday, 4 April 2014

Archer's Sexual Partners

Dissertations and deadlines have delayed me, but I've finally caught up with the excellent Archer, now in its fifth season. The first three are on Netflix, and while binge-watching I was struck by just how complicated the characters' sexual lives are. After a couple of episodes I went back and started making notes, and continued to do so for the rest of the show. To satisfy some bizarre urge I've charted the various relationships; obviously season five isn't over yet so I'll probably have to make some additions, but for now BEHOLD: [EDIT: Now complete for the end of season five]

Anyway, below are my unpolished notes, if people want to correct any mistakes I might have made:

? = unsure if it counts – using the SO idea. ‘Wouldn’t want to offend that boyfriend of yours, eh what?’
?? = unsure if it happened
??? = both

Only new instances are recorded for each episode; referring to an event already listed does not count

1.1       Mole Hunt
            Archer + Unnamed French Air Hostess
            ??Archer + Receptionist (“I swear to God Mr. Archer I’ve got HR on speed dial!”)
            Archer + Lana (flashback)
            Archer + two prostitutes (flashback, operational expense (15:31)
            ??Archer + Expensive Prostitute (flashback, operational expense)
            Malory + Nikolai Jackov (phone sex)
            ?Krieger + fridge food
            Archer + Cheryl (flashback)
            ??Lana + Cyril (implied; they’ve been dating for three months)
1.2       Training Day
            Archer + Trinette (“The sick shit I’ve done in this apartment”)
            Lana + Cyril (‘The night aint over yet’, ‘your… other qualities’)
            ??Malory + Kermit Roosevelt Jr. (‘Uncle Kermit’)
1.3       Diversity Hire
Cheryl + Conway
1.4       Killing Utne
??Mannfred + Uta (Clearly in a relationship, probably sexual)
1.5       Honeypot
            Malory + Nikolai Jackov (sex tape)
            Archer + Schoolgirl Prostitutes
            Charles + Rudy (Duh, and or hello)
1.6       Skorpio
            Archer + Pita
            Archer + Redhead (no way he’s letting her on the terrace otherwise)
            Lana + Archer + Skorpio
            Cyril + Cheryl
1.7       Skytanic
            Cyril + Cheryl
1.8       The Rock
1.9       Job Offer
            ?Lana + Barry (‘Sorry that I’m accidentally inside you.’ | ‘Not a problem.’)
            Archer + Framboise
            ??Barry + Framboise (‘Well, engaged to be engaged.’)
            Cyril + Framboise
1.10     Dial M for Mother
            Archer + Starlets
            Archer + Models
            Archer + Two Actual Princesses
            Archer + Brazilian au pair
            ??Cheryl + Krieger (‘It’s your weak womany hands’)
            Malory  + Len Trexler
            Malory  + Buddy Rich
            ??Archer + Trinette (‘His father knows Krav Maga’)
            ?Cheryl + ChokeBot
            Cyril + Scatterbrain Jane
            Cyril + Malory (‘Miss Archer, you’re trying to seduce me’)
            Lana + Pam

2.1       Swiss Miss
            Sia + Carlito
            Sia + Carlito’s Twin
            Malory + Pam + Conrad Scholtz
2.2       A Going Concern
            Len Trexler + Anastasia
            ??Ray + Ray’s lesbian wife
2.3       Blood Test
            Archer + Trinette (flashback)
            Archer + Lana (flashback x2)
            ?Lana + Cheryl (‘I think I just did’)
            Burrows + his wife (presumed, flashback)
            ??Pam + Cyril (‘I was trying to get him off!’)
            Ray + Cyril (‘Hey Cyril. How’s it hanging buddy?’ 4.5: ‘Is it too much to ask…’)
            Cyril + Trinette (flashback)
2.4       Pipeline Fever
            Lana + Joshua Gray alias Gandalf (flashback)
2.5       The Double Deuce
            Woodhouse + two ‘Orientals’ (flashback on a merchant schooner)
2.6       Tragical History
            Cyril + The Twins (handjobs)
            ??The Twins + George Spelvin (‘I think ninjas are hot’ | ‘Right?’)
            Archer + every harlot from here to Hanoi
2.7       Movie Star
            ?Ray + Randy Muckler (‘was just leading me on to get out of the draft’)
            Archer + Black-haired woman + Blonde woman (flashback; possibly the same two as seen in 1.1)
            Malory + Cyril
2.8       Stage Two
            ??Archer + Russian Spy (flashback)
            Archer + Rita (flashback)
            Archer + Vegas prostitute (blowjob)
            Dicky + Vegas prostitute (blowjob)
            Archer + Cheryl (flashback)
            Archer + Lana
            ??Malory + Dr. Speltz
2.9       Placebo Effect
            Malory + Franny Delaney
2.10     El Secuestro
            Pam + Moped Guy
2.11     Jeu Monégasque
            Archer + snorkelling prostitute (blowjob)
            Malory + A Duke
2.12     White Nights
            Malory + Nikolai (video sex)
2.13     Double Trouble
            Archer + Katya
            Party Chairmen (Lemon)

3.1       Heart of Archness: Part I
            Archer + newlywed(s)
3.2       Heart of Archness: Part II
            Archer + two native girls
Malory + Rip Riley
??Cyril + Pam
3.3       Heart of Archness: Part III
3.4       The Man from Jupiter
            Malory + Burt Reynolds
3.5       El Contador
            ??Ray + Gay Club attendees (he’s not actually paralysed at this point, remember)
??Pam + up to seven guys (‘It tastes worse than it smells!’ | ‘If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard a guy say that… I’d have eight nickels!’)
3.6       The Limited
3.7       Drift Problem
            ???Malory + Cheryl (‘She beat it out of me’)
3.8       Lo Scandalo
            Malory + Savio Mascalzoni (‘once a year, for, like, 35 years’)
            Malory + beautiful idealistic young Italian man
3.9       Bloody Ferlin
            ??Archer + stewardess (‘That’s why I’m here and not up to my ears in stewardess’)
            Cheryl + Randy Gillette
310      Crossing Over
            Archer + Pam (x4)
?Cheryl + Barry (I know they say choke sex later but how would they know? They do tend to assume the worst about her, cf. handcuffed herself to a radiator. Also ‘which at first was really hot, but then…’)
3.11     Skin Game
            Archer + the entire Pacific rim
            Archer + Katya
            Archer + vacuum cleaner (Electrolux?)
            Barry + Katya
3.12     Space Race: Part I
            Archer + Pam
3.13     Space Race: Part II

4.1       Fugue and Riffs
            ??Archer + Linda
            Malory + Ron Cadillac
4.2       The Wind Cries Mary
            Archer + Black-haired woman (flashback)
            ??Lucas Troy + Black-haired woman (she just blew archer so unlikely)
            Lucas Troy + Archer
4.3       Legs
            ??Malory + Archer’s doctor (flashback)
4.4       Midnight Ron
            ??Archer + brunette at casino
            Archer + Cheryl (chlamydia)
4.5       Viscous Coupling
            ??Ron + Malory (‘If he plays his cards right…’)
            Lana + Cyril
            Cheryl + Fireman (she has bruises on her neck)
            ??Pam + Fireman
            ??Ray + Octopus
            ??Cyril + Octopus
4.6       Once Bitten
4.7       Live and Let Dine
            Cheryl + Rodney (handjob)
4.8       Coyote Lovely
            Border patrol guards (blowjob)
4.9       The Honeymooners
            Lana + Cyril
            Krieger + Pigley III
4.10     Un Chien Tangerine
            ??Archer + Dutch co-eds
4.11     The Papal Chase
            ??Lana + Cyril (‘church stuff’)
            ??Malory + Cardinal Corelli
4.12     Sea Tunt: Part I
            ??Cecil Tunt + Tiffy
            ???Cheryl + Barry (‘Choke sex – that’s her kink – with a KGB cyborg’)
4.13     Sea Tunt: Part II

5.1       White Elephant
            ?Cheryl + Special Agent Holly’s TASER
            ??Malory + ‘Him’
5.2       A Kiss While Dying
            Archer + his landlord’s wife
            ??Ramone + Charles + Rudy
5.3       A Debt of Honor
            Pam + three Yakuza members (flashback)
5.4       House Call
            ??Archer + ladyboys (on his semester abroad)
5.5       Southbound and Down
            ??Pam + truck-stop attendees (‘well, and the snowballs’)
            ??Pam + Archer (promised, anyway)
5.6       Baby Shower
5.7       Smugglers’ Blues
            Archer + au pair (probably previously mentioned in 1.10)
            Archer + La Madrina
5.8       The Rules of Extraction
            Confirmation of Malory + Pam (‘Oh my God that’s right)
5.9       On the Carpet
5.10     Palace Intrigue: Part I
            Archer + Juliana
            Archer + someone he bumped into on a train
            Archer + someone he bumped into on a ferry
            Archer + someone he bumped into in a portable lavatory in Baltimore
            ??Juliana + Gustavo Calderon (they are married, after all)
5.11     Palace Intrigue: Part II
5.12     Filibuster
5.13     Arrivals/Departures


  1. Dude this is awesome.

  2. I think you might be my hero...just so you know.